SUMMARY

• “Blanket beliefs like ‘I can’t trust men’ or ‘I can’t trust women’ are rooted in pain—not truth.”
• “You’re not avoiding a gender—you’re trying to avoid a pattern.”
• “The key to different results is recognizing the qualities you want to engage with—and those you don’t.”
• If you’ve been hurt and find yourself writing off an entire group of people, this episode is for you.
  • Joey helps unpack the difference between distrust and discernment, so you can heal the past and create the relationship you truly want.
• Watch the video to shift from generalization to clarity—and start attracting what actually serves you.

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 Full Transcript:

[The following is the full transcript of this episode of Joey’s Performance Tune Up With Joey Klein. Please note that this episode, like all episodes, features Joey speaking unscripted and unedited. This video is captured in one take.]

It's likely that you've been hurt by somebody in your life, potentially a man, potentially a woman, that you were in relationship with. And then we develop these concepts, these ideas. I can't trust men, I can't trust women. And we kind of make a blanket statement.

And when we make blanket statements like this because of how a single person or an individual or a few people have treated us, what happens is we create an unconscious bias where we create a distrust in ourself in relationship to an entire segment of people, such as all men or all women.

And so if you notice yourself inside of making blanket statements like this, or maybe you actually believe like, I can't trust men, I can't trust women. You know, I don't like men, I don't like women, and things of that nature, I encourage you to, to start, you know, sort of making sort of, sort of acknowledging details within that space as opposed to generalities, and so be more specific about it.

Right? Hey, some women are not trustworthy because they didn't develop the ability and the skills to be able to be trustworthy. Or, hey, some men are not sensitive and they don't have the developed skills of emotional intelligence.

And. And that's true for some men, but not all men. And so for me, what I want to create in my next relationship is I want to be with someone who is trustworthy. And so I'm going to confirm that they have a capacity for communication and being authentic and telling the truth and so on, because, like, those are important skills.

Those are important components in which I need to be there in order to produce the relationship I want and the things I aspire to in my life. And so if we notice ourself or if you notice yourself making generalities about a whole segment of people, you know, make sure you kind of back that up.

And as opposed to sort of putting it on a group of people, understand you want to identify a pattern dynamic, a specific way of being, and understand that that way of being is the thing we need to be cautious of, the thing we need to pay attention to.

And if we opt in for a different pattern dynamic, a different way of being, that that's the thing that's really going to produce a different outcome and result. And this is so very important that because a lot of times we want to be in relationship with maybe men or women, and it truly does align with the vision in which we want to create.

And so if we can make that distinction of pattern dynamics, what is the quality that I want to be mindful of? And not engage with, then I can acknowledge the quality that's actually going to be beneficial for me and support in the result or the outcome you want to create.

And that way you can look for the right thing to avoid and the right thing to engage with as opposed to accidentally associate a group of people with something or an entire segment just because I experienced pain there.

And so it's a very easy thing to do where we go, man, one person within a group treated me a certain way and therefore I'm going to make an assessment of the entirety of the whole and we need to back that up and go, wait a minute, this person, you know, didn't possess the, you know, ability of self management and so they were lashing out.

It doesn't mean that all men do that or all women do that or whatever that might be. It's just, oh, individuals who don't have self control, I need to be aware of that and set proper boundaries there. And there are plenty of people within that segment who have plenty of self control and I'm safe with and I can engage with and so identify the pattern dynamics that you want to be mindful of, Identify, not engage with.

And what are the pattern dynamics you want to identify and engage with relative to the experience you want to have and the outcome results you want to get as opposed to generalities such as all men, all women, all this, all that do something and ultimately if we do that, you're going to miss out on a lot of things and you're going to ultimately engage in the same pattern dynamic that's going to unfortunately get you the result you were avoiding.

Because it's not the whole segment of a population such as men or women, it's a pattern dynamic that created that and most likely that pattern dynamic you're trying to avoid with all men or all women probably exist a lot of the latter, like if I don't, if all men are X and that's the way I hold it right, all men are terrible, you'll probably find the pattern dynamic in many women too, and vice versa.

If all women are this, they can't be trusted, you're going to find that pattern dynamic in a lot of men too. And so trying to avoid the whole segment of people is going to have you miss your mark. And so rather than that name again, that specific pattern, that specific quality, that dynamic that you're looking to avoid, and what is the specific dynamic I need to engage in order to produce the results you want and you're going to see you're a lot more effective this way and also have a lot more fun.