SUMMARY

• “You can’t control your child’s choices—but you can become the version of yourself that welcomes them back.”
• “Start with the vision of the relationship you want… then align who you’re being to match it.”
• “Even if they don’t come around, your peace and fulfillment don’t have to wait.”
• If your child has distanced themselves from you—whether completely or just emotionally—this episode is for you.
  • Joey guides you through hope, ownership, and deep inner alignment that can both repair the bond and restore well-being.
• Watch the full video to begin healing the space between you—starting with you.

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 Full Transcript:

[The following is the full transcript of this episode of Joey’s Performance Tune Up With Joey Klein. Please note that this episode, like all episodes, features Joey speaking unscripted and unedited. This video is captured in one take.]

I work with a lot of parents who are really struggling because their child has cut them out of their life, meaning they're not speaking to them maybe at all. Or maybe engagement is very limited for some reason or some version of that. Or they just don't have the relationship that they really want to have with their child, and there's a lot less time than they'd ultimately like to have.

And there's a connection there that isn't present that they'd aspire to have with their children. And I find this happens at all ages, but it especially happens in those, like, early adult years where they kind of first leave the house, you know, 18 to 23 years old.

Somewhere in there is where it's more common. Although this can happen at any age and at any space in life. And so if you have a relationship with a child and that relationship is a bit estranged, they've cut you out of your life, engagement is very limited. Or again, you just don't have the depth of connection or relationship you'd really aspire to have with your child.

What I encourage you to do, and this is sort of counterintuitive, is don't try to get your child to show up differently, First. First, what you want to do is imagine or envision, create the vision for the relationship you'd like to have with your child and start that vision with the way you'd like to feel and the experience you'd like to have in the relationship.

And so if you think about the vision that you'd aspire to have with your child, my guess is the qualities that occur to you is like, I'd like to know love with them, and I'd like to know connection, and I'd like to know joy, and I'd like to know openness or things of that nature.

And so what's the experience you want to have with your child? Name what that is as part of vision, and then what's the amount of time you'd love to spend with them? What are some of the things you'd like to do with them and. And get a clear vision for that relationship is step one and then step two. Once you have a vision for that relationship, start to get clear about who are you being in the moment that aligns with that vision and who are you being that doesn't.

Because if you go to your child with anger, it's probably going to diminish your chances for that vision to occur. If you go there, even though I understand it's challenging and like, man, you Know like the person you love and maybe care about in some ways more than anybody, and you've done so much for.

And now they're like, f you. Like, I get the challenge and difficulty in that whole reality, right? But the point is, if we go there with resentment, they're going to go further away, right? They're going to pull back. If you go there with large expectations of who they need to be, you know, that's going to trigger a sense of shame and guilt within them because they feel like they can't live up to that expectation.

And so that shame and guilt that they're feeling is going to keep them from engaging with you. And so make your priority showing up as the best version of yourself when you're not even with your child, but just when you're thinking about them and learn to. And develop the capacity where you can feel love for them even though you're not talking very much.

You can feel compassion for them, even though you may not be engaging the way you'd like to. You can feel proud of them. You can feel a sense of connection to them. You can feel acceptance for them. And if you develop the qualities within yourself that would align you with the vision of relationship you want with your child, this is the biggest thing you can do in repairing that, which is there, creating a space where they will want to naturally engage with you more.

And I understand this is not necessarily an easy thing to do, but if you commit to the process, it gives you your best chance at creating the relationship with your kids that you really want to have. And more important is if for some reason they don't come around right, they don't engage more.

It'll also be the answer to you being fulfilled and you being able to be happy despite the choices they're making. Because unfortunately, even if it's our own children, we can't control other people, and we lose our power when we try to do that. But you can always control who you're going to be as you relate to them and as you interact with them, as you call them, as you leave a voicemail, as you text them.

And if you're coming from a true place within yourself of love and appreciation and peace and acceptance and compassion and all those higher qualities that you're capable of, then that's going to create the best chance for creating the relationship you not only deserve to have, but really aspire to have with your children.

And they just may not know how to do that for themselves yet. And then that may create an Opening to go ahead and engage with them at a different level. But it really does start with those two things, like create a vision for relationship that you aspire to have with them.

And then number two, become the version of yourself that makes that possible and start being authentic with yourself. Start being real with yourself in regard to who you are in that space that isn't conducive for that vision happening again. It's not that you're doing anything wrong and it's not necessarily that they're doing something wrong, but it is a matter of alignment.

Am I showing up in a way that's aligning me with the vision I aspire to, or am I showing up in a way that's inadvertently going to create something other than that vision? And if you start relating to the vision you aspire to and engage with 100% ownership, I'm going to take responsibility for the part that I can, which is who I'm being in this relationship, and develop some skills.

You're very highly likely you're going to have the relationship you want. And then in the rare case you're not able to create that relationship because they're just not up for it. Well, it is still your key to freedom and fulfillment. And at the end of the day, in my opinion, if you did your job of like they're still alive, you know, you kept them alive, you gave them the basic needs of food, water and shelter and you loved your kids and you did the best you could, you kind of did everything for them.

And the reality is if they're self reliant today and they're able to be out in the world and not be dependent on you, you actually did a pretty good job as a parent because there's a lot of 35 year olds living at home and they wish they were out of the house. And so, you know, unfortunately, sometimes being a parent it means I'm not their friend.

And you supported them to be able to be a functional human in the world. And if you did that, give yourself a pat on the back because you did a lot right. You made it so that your child can figure life out, which is a huge deal.

But I understand if you want to have a relationship with them 100%, you deserve to have that. Let's go for that. Create a vision for relationship that you want, number one. And number two, let's be real with ourselves about the ways in which we show up that isn't supportive for that vision. And let's start showing up and holding space on our end of the relationship such that we are holding space for that vision.

And who knows what becomes possible from there? Probably the vision for the relationship with your child that you want.