SUMMARY

• “It might seem like the child, something going on with your kid that isn't going on with the children of other people.”
• “In order to support the child to perform in a better way – to be healthier, to be happier, to listen to the direction of the parents – we had to have the buy-in of the parents.”
• “Whatever your input is, whatever your influence is, you're getting that output from the child, right? The output is how the child responds to you. So if we start looking at our inputs we realize, when I do X, they do Y, then we need to change X.”
• If you’re looking for tips on how to better understand and respond to difficult behavior in a child, this episode is for you.
• Watch the video to get the full training.

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 Full Transcript:

[The following is the full transcript of this episode of Joey’s Performance Tune Up With Joey Klein. Please note that this episode, like all episodes, features Joey speaking unscripted and unedited. This video is captured in one take.]

Is your kid essentially a lot to handle? And do you find yourself at times looking at the children of other parents and you're comparing and going, hey, why is it that their children behave so well and mine's like a little monster and just doesn't listen to anything that I say?

I understand that that might seem like the child, something going on with your kid that isn't going on with the children of other people. And although in a very rare circumstance, you know, that may be true, in most cases, it's not.

And the reality is, you know, children respond to inputs. And so when you look at a child's behavior. And I spent over a decade training children in martial arts. And a lot of the kids that got dropped off at the Dojang were the, quote, unquote, "problem children".

And the children of single moms who had two or three jobs who were looking for, you know, some support with the kids. And the kids were usually behavior. You know, they had, like, behavior challenges, if you will, for a variety of different reasons. And so they would drop them off at the Dojang with the idea of, like, man, fix my kid.

And oftentimes we did, but in order to support the kid, in order to perform in a better way, you know, to be healthier, to be happier, to listen to the direction of the parents, we had to have the buy in of the parents because we could only do so much with the kids when we had them, you know, the three or four hours a week in which we were training them at the Dojang.

The other piece that we had to really implement if we really wanted to see, you know, kids thrive, and especially the younger children, you know, they would start at three and a half years old. And, you know, the youngest class was like three and a half to like seven or eight was the age range.

And then we had a little bit older kids in the next class. And so if your child is representing challenges, I know it may not seem this way or we may not understand, but it's the inputs that you're giving the kid that they're responding to.

And so some examples that I often saw when we would train parents to support their kids better and how we could know, get the children to behave better and ultimately actually be happier and thrive in life is we would pay Attention. We go, okay, well when you ask your child to do something, like what do they do?

How do they respond to you asking them to do something like, hey, put your clothes away or pick that up. Do they respond with hey, you know, they put it away? And then do you affirm them with like, thank you for putting that away? Or is it like you're not even talking, right?

You say, hey, will you put that away? And there is zero response from your child, right? And then you ask them again, hey, will you put that away? And then you have to like raise your voice a little bit, hey, will you, will you put that away? And then maybe they even look at you and they're like, nah, I don't know, I don't want to do that. Or, you know, they just walk off or something like this and it's like, well if that's happening, what you might want to pay attention to and just look at is how many times have you asked your child to do something and then allow the no, right?

Because the individuals or parents who have responsive children, right when the child was young, they started this, like we're talking six months old, a year old, like right when they're walking, before they can even talk, a parent might say, hey, would you please put that away?

And the child might be like, I don't even understand what you're saying. Like, no. But if you immediately upon the request, go over to the child, put the toy in the child's hand, help walk the child over to where the toy goes, wherever its place is that it's supposed to be put away, put it away, and then tell them like, good job, affirm them in a positive way.

If you did that consistently and you didn't permit the no or you didn't have the space for the no, then you're going to find that your child is going to be a lot more responsive. Because that's what they were taught, that's what they learned right from the get go, right from the beginning. And so if you don't have that habit established, no problem, you can start establishing that right away.

And so when you make a request of your child, especially if they're young, say three to like seven years old, and you say, hey, would you put that away? Would you do X? And they say no or they don't do it, don't ask them a second time. Just simply point out that you made a request and that you would like them to please obey the request and then go over and have them execute the request, right?

And you've got to start looking at, well, what's my input? Okay? Because whatever your input is, whatever your influence is, you're getting that output from the child, right? The output is how the child responds to you. So if we start looking at our inputs and we realize like man, when I do X, they do Y, then we need to change X.

We need to change something about our input, something about what we're doing so that they will then start responding differently. And so, you know, a lot of times I would see, you know, when we had the kids at the Dojang, they all, they were all very well behaved because they understood that in that environment, you know, there were certain, like rules of the game, if you will.

And we provided certain inputs for the kids and we had certain routines for the children. And those inputs were designed, and those routines were designed such that the children will respond with certain outputs, right? Certain responses.

And it worked like clockwork. And so the kid, even the parents would watch and they go, oh my gosh, my child listens so well in your class. And then for some reason we go home and the wheels come off the bus. Well, what we need to do is we need to reverse engineer a little bit. We need to go, okay, what's the input that I'm giving my child and how are they responding?

What is their output? Because all children do, what's great is all children do is respond to our inputs. And when they're young, like that, you know, ages from like, like, like six months old, a year old, all the way up until, you know, 8 or 10ish, like you can get behavior changes to happen very, very, very, very fast because if you change the input, they're going to change the response.

So all you got to do is master your input and then you're going to see your child respond and change and transform very, very, very quickly. We just have to learn the right inputs. And so start just paying attention to that and start experimenting with the different input that you can provide, the different space that you can hold.

And you'll see them change and transform very, very quickly. Again, that one example I gave is, hey, when I make a request and they don't listen, do I then make the same request again and again and again and permit their non listening? Because if I do that, then they understand that my request is just that.

It's a request, it's not an expectation. If I make a request and my child understands that's an expectation in which they are to execute, then they'll execute it. But I need to show up in a way on my side as a parent or as the authority to let them know that, hey, even though I'm making a request and an ask of you, it's actually an expectation, it's not an option.

And you reinforce that by way of how you show up on your end and then they're going to learn how to respond to that on their end. And I promise, even if that's not the dynamic you have right now, you can establish a new reality, new dynamic, very, very quickly if you learn how and just start paying attention to holding a little different space.

And I promise, promise this is going to work. And also on a positive note, my favorite children to train were the ones who were strong willed, the ones who are maybe more apt to say no or more apt to be a little bit more defiant because they were the strong willed children.

They were the ones who had the strongest sense of self a lot of times. And so if you have that strong willed child, that's not a bad thing. If you do the right things and you hold the right space for them, they are the ones who are most likely to be self reliant in the future and want to be independent and take care of themselves.

And it's if you hold the right environment and you support them in the right way. A lot of times those children who are strong willed are the leaders of the future. But of course they need the right nurturing and the right space held in order for them to become that. And so it's not that it's your fault as a parent if you have an unruly child at all.

That's not what I'm saying, but we want to just pay attention and go, man, what are the skills and tactics that I can develop and learn as a parent in the space in which I'm holding so that I am providing a different input and I'm holding a different space for them to respond, for them to react to.

And you'll see that their reactions and their responses will change very, very fast. I hope this was helpful. And just start paying attention right away to the input you're giving your child and then look at how they respond and start playing with providing a different input.