SUMMARY

• “Loneliness has nothing to do with having people in our life, versus having no one in our life. Loneliness is a perspective and therefore can be trained and changed.”
• Two traps the mind uses to foster the lens of loneliness is, “no one understands me,” and “I have no one to support me”.
• “It's our lens that drives, fuels, and produces loneliness, not the circumstance.”
• If you’re looking for tips on how to understand and overcome loneliness, this episode is for you.
• Watch the video to get the full training.

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 Full Transcript:

[The following is the full transcript of this episode of Joey’s Performance Tune Up With Joey Klein. Please note that this episode, like all episodes, features Joey speaking unscripted and unedited. This video is captured in one take.]

We're going to discuss loneliness a little bit in this session so that you understand what's driving loneliness. If we understand what drives that experience or sense of loneliness, again, we can stop doing that and hopefully move to a better experience, such as joy or love or appreciation or gratitude or so many other options than to walk around in a space of loneliness. And as you hear me say all the time, loneliness is not a byproduct of current circumstances. Matter of fact, a lot of times we feel the loneliest when we're around the most people, right? You can be in a relationship and have a romantic partner around all the time and feel more lonely than you've ever felt when you were by or with yourself. And so if we understand that and we kind of pay attention, a lot of times we feel lonely when people are around. Loneliness has nothing to do with people or the absence of people. It has nothing to do with our circumstance. It really does have a lot to do with how we're relating to the space. 


And you might have had another experience with loneliness where, like, you know, you, you might have all these people around you that love you, that care about you, friends and family, even business colleagues, etc. And then one relationship ends or is in turmoil, such as a best friend or a romantic partner. And now all of a sudden, it's like we're alone and nobody understands us. And all of a sudden, we get caught  ourself, in reality, that then   And so, again, it's our perception of ourself. It's our perception of reality. It's our lens that drives, fuels, and produces loneliness, not the circumstance. And so what are people doing when they feel lonely? It tends to be a few key things, right? We're focusing on how we are by ourself, how there is nobody around. And again, that doesn't mean that there aren't people around and that there aren't people that care about you. Our focus is that nobody's around. 


Or we tend to focus on how nobody understands us, how we're alone, because we are an anomaly and we are a special kind of fucked that nobody else could possibly understand, or we're just different than everybody else. And when we make those assumptions and we focus on loneliness in that way, and we go, man, nobody can understand me, it's not that people can't understand you, it's that we isolate ourselves from others, and therefore we are unable to accept people's understanding or people's support of us, if you will. And so that frame or that stance of nobody understands me, we've got to be willing to let that go, right? And then, you know, another key driver in loneliness is, is the assumption that we are on our own or that we are by ourself. Like, it's all up to us. We have nobody to support us. 


And although, you know, some of us, right, may have less support than others, like, some people have parents who are there if they need financial help and they're there for a place to live if it ever really went bad, or they've got friends or they got, like, some of us have different resources than others around support. I'm not saying that's not true, but none of us are on our own. Like, we all can interact with the world. We all have access to the Internet and resources to look things up and to train and educate ourselves. We all have access to social media these days and more access to other humans than we've ever had before. And so if there's nobody around and that's not, that's true for you, well, then that means it's time to get in action and start seeing where, where are the options or where are the opportunities to engage with people. Because if we're focusing on the people in which are available to us and the access that we have to people, then we're not lonely, because we realize that there's a whole ecosystem of support out there, and we've just got to go out there and leverage it, engage it, use it. 


And if we're not focused on that, we're just focused on how we're by ourself, then we can get stuck. And even though the resources are there, we won't take action toward creating a different reality. And so focusing on how we're by ourself, we're on our own, focusing on how nobody understands us, focusing on the ways in which people are not available. The absence of people is all going to drive and fuel loneliness. And so if we want that loneliness to shift, we've got to be willing to take on a different perception of reality. We got to start executing in a new and different way. And as opposed to focusing on what's not there, let's start focusing on what is there. Hey, the people whom care about me are… The people who are in my life are these individuals… These are the people who care about me. They support me. They're there for me. Acknowledge the support that you do have. Acknowledge where there is opportunity for you to engage with people. Where is their support should you choose to go out and engage it, nurture it, and accept that people do understand you and the ways in which they understand you. 


And if we're focusing on the people who are there, the people who are in our life, the ways in which we value those relationships, those connections, if we focus on the opportunities where we can go engage support, and execute, and we have resources available to us, even if it's more etheric in a sense, right? It doesn't have to be humans all the time. It can be man, the universe is supporting me. I have life and I have a sense of, I got a body and I exist, and I'm a part of this huge creation that I am somehow in sync with. I'm working with it. I'm at one with it, and it's there to support me. Start seeing the universe as your partner and as supporting you. And then you don't need any human being to be there for you because you got a whole universe at your back and supporting you and who you want to become, where  And the more you focus on that, believe in that, the more people will be in your life, too. Right? And so it works. It works back and forth. 


And so we don't always have to feel connected to other people or focus on our connection with other humans to feel like we have a place that we are cared for, that we are supported, that we are part of something. Sometimes, you know, it can be spirit or it can be, like I said, the universe. It can be a faith, like God or something like that. And you can draw on a lot of sense of support and connection from there in the sense that you're good to go. Right. Focus on the opportunities of, again, where people are and what you can nurture and access as support to you, where you can build relationships and support. And if you kind of continue to reinforce those ideas. Man, the people in my life are… And I got people who care about me. The individuals who care about me are this person and that person and this person. Acknowledge that people do understand you at different levels. The people who understand me are this person, and this person understands me, and this person understands me. And this person is there for me. And then focus on the resources that you have access to. Like, where are they? Be willing to go out and engage with peeps, because there's a whole world of people out there. 


The only reason we're alone is if we're choosing to be alone. And sometimes we get caught in that. Sometimes we don't understand that. Sometimes we don't see that. But if we focus on where they are, we get out there a little bit, before you know it you'll have a whole community of support around you. And then finally acknowledging that you have a place in a greater sense. Right, like I'm connected to the universe, it has my back or whatever that ideology is for you that fits or works there. And if we're putting our attention there, you're going to feel a sense of connection, you're going to feel support, you're going to feel understood. And that's going to go a long way to encouraging you to do the things in life that you want and becoming who you want to become. 


And so remember, loneliness is a byproduct of the way we're interacting with or perceiving our world, not necessarily circumstance. And if we make a subtle but powerful adjustment in the way we're focusing and interacting with our reality, it can mean such a huge difference. And so have a great rest of your day and we'll see you next time.