SUMMARY

• “Define your non-negotiables in romantic relationship. What are your must-have’s?”
• Get clear on the life you want to live with this person, and then define what qualities or interests it makes sense for them to have in order for you two to enjoy that life together.
• “In order to create the romantic partnership we really want, we have to know exactly what we want and be willing to own it.”
• If you’re looking for tips on how to create a thriving romantic partnership, this episode is for you.
• Watch the video to get the full training.

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 Full Transcript:

[The following is the full transcript of this episode of Joey’s Performance Tune Up With Joey Klein. Please note that this episode, like all episodes, features Joey speaking unscripted and unedited. This video is captured in one take.]

Hey, there. So in this session, we are going to jump into romantic relationship, and essentially, how do we create a vision for a romantic relationship? And just a reminder, you can't set a vision for a romantic relationship until you know what you want for your life and you have a vision for the life in which you want to live. Then when you know, hey, here's the life I want to live for myself. Here's what's important to me. Here's why it's important to me. And you've got that, that defined pretty well. Now you can define your vision for romantic relationship and define it in a way that is going to fit with the life you want to live. 


So often I watch people and they have this life that they want to live, whatever that life might be for them. And then they start dating somebody who is just clearly not a fit for that life. And then they give up the life in which they want to live. They start doing things that are never going to take them toward who they want to become and what they want to create for themselves. And then they start to sort of acquiesce to the relationship they're in for whatever the reason is, the person's there, they're in love, like, whatever. And then all of a sudden, they're either dead inside or they harbor a lot of resentment, a lot of anger within them. And it usually gets focused at their significant other because they're not living for themselves. They're not living the life that they really want to live for. And so you've got to first understand, like, what is the life you want to live for? And then once you know what that is, then you can create a vision for relationship that you aspire to, that you want to have for yourself and one that is going to fit with the life you want to live. Right. 


An example of that is like, if you want to be, you know, an extraordinary athlete and you're an adventurer, you know, and you, like, your idea of fun is, you know, camping and hiking in the woods for weeks at a time and you're with somebody who hates nature, like, that's going to be a problem. But that's what people do. They set themselves up in relationships like that. And there's nothing wrong with either one of those realities, but you've got to understand that you've got to be in alignment with the person you're with and the life you want to live. Those two things got to support each other. And so once that's in place, now you can go, okay, great, what do I want in a romantic partner, and you want to kind of think about this in three categories. The first category is the non negotiables. Some people, they know they want to have children. Some people are clear they do not want to have children. Some people know that, like, health and vibrancy and taking care of themselves is extremely important. Other people are big foodies, and they don't care so much about their well being in that same way. Right. 


And so it's like, what is it that you want in somebody? What are your non negotiables? Like, if this isn't there, it's a deal breaker. And that's different for everybody, right. What are my needs? What are my non negotiable needs in a relationship? And for most people, they're not as many as we would think. Like our non negotiables, you probably had a set of three or five or ten non negotiables. And then there's a much longer list of things that are important to you that if they're not getting met or they don't happen, it's okay for you, it's okay with you. You know, the other thing you want to think about is, like, you know, finances and lifestyle reality. Like, what, what does that look like for you? Because if what you want to do is stay in high end hotels and travel a lot and, you know, have a beautiful house and, you know, those things, like, there's nothing wrong with that, but there's probably a certain type of individual that you're going to be really happy, you know, building a life with. If that's at the top of your list. Right. 


If that stuff isn't as important to you, then what's more important to you is sometimes life experience. Like, they don't need the niceties of life and wealth isn't as important to them. What is important to them more is just time with their family and having plenty of time in nature or being able to kind of be more free and that kind of thing. And living a bit more modestly is totally fine with them. They don't need a lavish lifestyle or that kind of thing, then that totally works as long as the person you're with doesn't want those things. Cause if the person you're with wants those lavish things and puts a high value on those things and you're with somebody who doesn't like, that's gonna be conflictual. That's gonna be a problem. If you both know these are things that you aspire to and that you want in your life, then all of a sudden, you can support each other in such an extraordinary way to create them. 


And then vice versa, if you know you're gonna prioritize a more experiential life or have more of a modest income, and like that's totally fine with you, well, then you want to kind of make sure you're with somebody who values those same things in the way you do, and you're going to be much better off. Your life is more likely to thrive in that case. And so when you think about your vision for relationship, ask yourself the question, and just think about yourself first, what are the things that are non negotiable to you? What are the things that are most important to you? What do you value the most for yourself? Because those are the first things that you probably are gonna have as non negotiables as you're with somebody else. If you highly value the building of wealth, and you know that's gonna always be a top priority for you, you're probably gonna want to make sure that's a top priority, you know, for the person in which you're gonna do life with.  If health is a top priority for you, again, if it's a top, top priority for you, and you, like, you don't smoke and you eat really well and you exercise every day, like, you probably don't wanna partner with somebody who's, you know, eating cheetos and watching television most of the day, right? And prioritizes ice cream. Right. It's like, nothing wrong with those things. They're different lifestyles. Right? 


So think about the things you value most and what is most important to you as non negotiable for you. And those are the non negotiables you're gonna wanna make sure fit with the person in which you choose to be in relationship with. Then think about the things that are important to you, things you enjoy doing, but, like, it's not a must to have in a romantic relationship and then create that list, right? Like, for some people, it's like they love yoga, but they don't need their significant other to do yoga with them. Right? Some people love golf, but they don't need their significant other to golf with them. Or some people love the arts, like theater and things like that, but they can do that with their friends. They don't need their partner to do that with them. It might be a preference that their partner do that with them, but it's not a need. And so then think about, man, what would be important relationship? What would be the things that I would value, but it's not a deal breaker if they're not there? And then what are the things that would just be cool? I call them the nice to haves, right. Needs, they're a must, non negotiable. Wants, they're really important. Take it or leave it. And then you got desires. Like, hey, it'd be cool if it was there, but I'm not even going to miss it a little if it's not. 


And then think about the things that you would desire in a romantic relationship and just think about the way you're living your life. Okay. Like, what are you doing day by day? What are the things you're doing with your significant other day by day? Like, what does that picture in your mind look like in terms of the activities that you're doing and the way you're living, the quality of life you have, the activities that you're up to together and sort of paint the picture of your life with this person who you want to be in a relationship with and then create your list from there. And then as you get to know people, as you date people, as you go out and you meet people, you're going to notice that, man, I'm really clear that this individual, based on who they are and who they want to be in life, just isn't a fit for the vision that I have for my life and romantic relationship. That doesn't make them wrong or bad in any way. It means they're probably an awesome fit for somebody else, not you. And so you can get to kind of the no fast and not be disappointed as you engage in romantic relationships in the way that so many people are. 


Because they're just, they're not dating a bad person, they're just not with the person that's a fit for who they want to be and what they want to want in their life. And therefore, you don't need to take on, fix them. Fix fixer uppers. You don't want to fixer upper in a relationship. You don't want to take on a project that you can hopefully mold into who you want them to be. That's probably not going to go very well. A lot of people, they try that method. They get to know somebody, they like them, and then they're like, yeah, but I have these needs and I have these wants that you're not meeting. So let's just fix you up a little bit. Like, don't do that. Start in the beginning, knowing what it is you want and assessing if it's there and if it's not there, that's totally okay, let's go where it is there, because that's going to be a much more enjoyable reality and much more successful reality for everybody involved. And then if you do find somebody that is a good fit, you'll notice that you'll attract the person to you a bit more readily when you're clear on what  want as well, because it's gonna show up on your radar differently when, you know, this is what I want. 


You know, if you go to a car dealership and you're like, man, I wanna, you know, I wanna, I wanna a black Porsche boxster, and I want it to be less than three years old. Like you're walking the dealership with a radar on, right? You're going to the salesperson and you're like, do you have this? And they're like, no, we don't have one. You just leave and go to the next lot. You know what I'm saying? Whereas if you do know exactly what you want, you tell them that, yeah, I got three of those. Which one would you like? That's how you want to look for a relationship where you're kind of very clear on what you want. And so intuition starts to take over and be a guide for you and goes, man, pay attention to this person. They've got a lot of the things that you're aspiring to, or pay attention to this person. They got a lot of things that you're aspiring to. You're going to recognize them when they're there, number one. But you're going to find that you intuitively draw yourself to them and them to you in a different way, simply because it's at the forefront of your mind and therefore, intuition's working on your behalf. 


But in order for that to happen, you have to know what you want. And then once you see that, man, this person lines up with, say, a lot of the things in which I want for myself and the aspirations I have for my life, and this is a fit, then, you know, man, that's where you invest more of your time. And then you can communicate with that other person. Like, hey, here are the things that are really important to me, and here are the things that aren't so important to me that I would like, and which of these would you like to be up to? And it presents a different ability to have conversation when you have a clear vision for a romantic relationship, because so many people, they don't even name a vision for relationship, and so they can't tell the other person what they want and what their preference is around what they like or they don't like because they've not really stopped to think about it and name it for themselves. And therefore, we put the other person at kind of a disadvantage of thinking they're supposed to somehow be psychic and understand and know who we are and what we want and all the things that we're looking for when we actually need to communicate those things. 


Because most people, if they're a fit for us or they're a fit with us, they're going to be more than happy to show up in many of the ways in which we're going to want and aspire to just by being who they are. They just need to know that they're supposed to do it. And the only way they know they're supposed to do is if you communicate it and then vice versa. Hopefully, your open communication encourages the other person to think about they want and be in open communication with you about their side is, is looking like  and what it is want, what they aspire to, so that, you know, like, how to show up for them and what the things you're willing to do and not do. And so, so much of creating a healthy and vibrant romantic relationship comes from the foundation of having a vision for that relationship. So whether you're already in a romantic relationship and you've been married for 20 years or 15 years, or you're just starting to date, and you're, you're looking for that new relationship, that, that person who's going to be the fit for your life, create a vision for relationship that you'd like to have and that you aspire to, because you'll see that it'll be such an invaluable foundation to create the relationship that you really want to have.