- “In order to create a vibrant relationship, you first must know how you want to Feel in the relationship.”
- One of the key things most people mix up in a relationship is that the way you feel in your relationship has everything to do with you, and very little to do with them.
- “Longevity in a relationship requires that each person is able to fulfill that which is important to them.”
- If you’re looking for tips on how to create a thriving romantic relationship whether you’re single, in a good relationship, in one that could use some work, or in one that’s about to end (or has ended), this episode is for you.
- Watch the video to get the full training.
[The following is the full transcript of this episode of Joey’s Performance Tune Up With Joey Klein. Please note that this episode, like all episodes, features Joey speaking unscripted and unedited. This video is captured in one take.]
So let's talk about creating vision for your relationship and essentially why it's imperative in many ways, right? So if we want to create vision for relationship, I know this sounds going to sound a little funny, but you really want to start with imagining the relationship you aspire to as though you weren't in a relationship. So if you're not in a relationship, that's going to be easy, right? So if you're dating or you're thinking about creating a wonderful relationship, that'll be easy for you. If you're in a relationship, when you think about the relationship you aspire to, you want to pretend like you're not in a relationship and start to imagine the relationship you would aspire to.
The reason for this is because when people are in a relationship and they start creating the ideas of the relationship that they want, what they'll often do is sort of look at the things they don't like about their current relationship and then they think about solving for those things they don't like. And although this can be beneficial sometimes, usually what it does is it limits what's really possible in a relationship or the vision that we'll create in the relationship. And sometimes the solutions we come up with for the current problems that we perceive in the relationship actually aren't going to produce the outcome.
I'll give you an example of that. So many times people come to me and they go, Joey, I need my vision, I need my partner to communicate with me more. And I go, well, how does it go when you guys talk currently? And they're like, well, we fight. I go, So we need less communication, right? Because if we communicate more but we're not communicating effectively and we start name calling or we start being a little disrespectful, or we're not communicating in a way that creates connections and depth and understanding, well, then communicating more isn't going to produce the outcome called vibrant relationship, deeper connection, trust, et cetera.
And so when we look at the problem and how we're going to solve that, that's how we oftentimes will miss and we'll start thinking about these things we believe we want in a relationship because we believe they're going to solve for something, it's not what we really want. So people don't really want to communicate more. They want to feel more connected to the other person. They want to trust the other person more, they want to be on the same page, they want them to understand them. And then the outcome of that would be vibrant relationship, fun, trust, loyalty and so on and so forth.
And so when you create vision for your relationship, imagine you're not in one and go, man, what would the relationship be if I could design it? What would that relationship be like? What would that look like? And start to name the things from a lifestyle perspective, right? Name how you would feel. I would feel joy, I would feel passion. I would feel inspiration. I feel fun in the relationship. I'd be connected to my significant other, the activities we might do together. We might travel together. We might hike together. We might do workouts together. We might be fit together. We might do art together. We might read together. We might do social engagements together. How are you living life with the other person? Is part of your vision, right? Not just inclusive of them. We need to be inclusive of our life, of the whole reality that we're building with them.
And so the more clear we are on vision and kind of how they fit into our life, the more we're able to share that, communicate that, and then come up with strategies and ways to actually fulfill what we're looking for in the relationship. And so step one to creating a vibrant relationship is really creating a vision for the relationship. And we want to hit these few key components, right? First, start with how do I want to feel in the relationship? Right? How do I want to feel in the relationship? If I was in a vibrant and dynamic relationship, how would I feel? So that's question number one to creating vision. How would I feel in the relationship? What would my inner experience be as being in the relationship? I would feel safe. I would feel happy. I would feel joy. I would feel love. I would feel connection. I would feel inspired. I would feel hopeful. I would feel like, what is it that you would imagine you would experience by way of being in that relationship?
And then the key that a lot of people miss is much of the way you would feel in a relationship is actually up to you, not them. Because so often people look to a relationship to make them feel safe, and another person can only do so much to making you feel safe. And then you've got to do the rest, right? Or sometimes people want to feel loved and they have an idea of what love looks like and another person can do so much. But then you have to access and feel love for yourself, right? Or I want to feel cared for. Right? Well, that could mean a lot. So we've got to understand what's the experience we want to have in the relationship. That's the first component of vision.
And then the second piece is what are the things I want to be doing with the other person? What actions are we up to together? What experiences are we sharing? What are we doing together in life? Are we building companies together and like, a power couple and we don't have children? Our focus is contribution and building something. Or is our focus on having a family together and ten children or something, right? And maybe that's your vision for the shared experience you want to have with your other person, right? Or maybe you want to make sure you're with somebody who's adventurous, like if you love being outdoors and you want to hike and ski and mountain bike all the time, and you're with somebody who doesn't want to do any of those things and doesn't care for bugs or something, right? Like, that's going to be challenging. So what's the experience you want to have? Maybe you're really into art, you want to share that with somebody, or maybe you're into travel and you want somebody to be a companion with you as you travel, right? So what is it that you imagine yourself doing with your significant other, with the person? Right?
So number one, what's the experience I'm having? Number two, what are we doing together? How are we living life together? What does that look like as our time together? And then number three, what are the outcomes we're creating together? Right? What's the outcomes we're creating together? Do you live in a house? Are you renting? Are you RVing across the country? Are you camping all the time? Are you staying in five star resorts? Are you wealthy? Is money not really that important to you? What are the outcomes results that you're wanting to create and attain short term and over time? Right? Because if you're clear on what you want to create with somebody, you can share that with them and they can understand it's important to you. And if they know what that is for them, they can share that with you, and you can work together to create whatever those visions and aspirations are at an individual level, but with each other, right?
And I always say everything is possible in a relationship. So often people get stuck in this idea of it's either or either have to do your thing or we have to do my thing. I want to go on a really nice vacation on a trip, and you want to buy a boat. I don't want a boat. I don't care about a boat. I want to go on a trip. And then we kind of argue because it's like trip or boat and you got to go, no, we can do all of it, right? We can most of the time do everything. And so what are the things each of you aspire to in a relationship? What are the things you want? What are the things they want? And then ask the question, how can we make it all happen? It may not all happen at once. There might be some things we do first, and then you're going to do a second thing and a third thing. There might be an order to the way you achieve or fulfill the things each of you aspire to. And you might create a list of sort of priority list of, hey, we're going to do this first and then this next.
But what I find is usually the people we come together with and the people we love and the people you end up with. They want many of the same things you do, if not all of the same things. We just don't necessarily agree on timing. Right? And so if we come together with it's all possible, you'll be amazed at what you can actually create in your relationship, and it can be better than you imagine. But we've got to give ourselves to be inclusive of what it could look like. And then sure, there may be a few things that you're a hard no on, and you've got to look, is that an expectation? Like, I have to have this actually, or am I okay without it? Because so many times we advocate for the things that aren't actually that important to us just because we want them. And so knowing what's a necessity for you, what is most important, I'm unwilling to go without this. And you can communicate that, and then you're going to have a long list of this stuff would be nice. I want this, but it's not a deal breaker.
And so often what breaks down a relationship is trying to advocate or get the things that you want that aren't necessarily your necessities and at the end of the day, aren't really going to contribute that much value to the relationship as a whole and what you really aspire to. And so we have to know, where are we with the things that we envision for our relationship and what we want? What are the things that are a must have? Right? They're hard expectations. This must occur. What are the things that are important, but I don't have to have them right now? And what's the stuff that I really can take or leave? It's not a big deal if it doesn't occur. So we can manage that and go, hey, it's not happening. It's okay, I won't get it from this relationship, I'll get it somewhere else, or however, we end up managing that.
And so the three components to really creating a vibrant vision for relationship, where all vibrant relationships begin, it's all about having a vision of a vibrant relationship first, so that you can work towards something, so you know what your mark is, so you can collaborate toward a unified and collective idea and vision for what you're creating. Without that, it's a wild west. We're just all over the place. Right? And so the three components of that, again, is, number one, what's the experience you want to have in the relationship? Much of that is going to be up to you. Some of that you're going to need the other person to collaborate with you on. What's the experience I want to have of the relationship? How do I want to feel here? Number two, what are the shared experiences that I want to have within this relationship? What are the things that are important that we're doing together as we spend time and we're up to life? And then finally, what are the outcomes of the results that I aspire to, what's that mark that I want to hit that's important to me. So that you can collaborate and create those outcomes and those aspirations and so many things we can do from here to support creating a vibrant relationship.
But it starts with knowing what you want and being clear on the relationship. Also, when you're clear on a vision for your relationship, you can share that with the other person and they can be a yes or they can be a no. And if they're a no, this is a good thing because it means that they weren't your person. And you saved yourself years of potentially struggling through a thing that was never going to be what you really want. And that creates room for a person to come in and own your vision with you fully. So you guys can create a relationship better than you imagined, so you can fulfill your vision. And if you're not in a relationship yet, right, it gives you the ability to be yes or no very quickly as you date and get to know people. Because if you know what your vision is, you can look at, hey, is this person potentially up to fulfilling that vision? If they are green light go, if they're showing or demonstrating some things where they're clearly not, hey, thank you so much, you're right for someone, just not me. And let's go to the next person who potentially is right.
If you're currently in a relationship, you have a vision. Now you can start looking at first your way of being in the relationship. What actions can I take that start aligning our relationship with that vision? Notice it starts with you, not them, right? What actions can I begin taking that are going to hold space for and start moving the relationship in the direction of the vision that I would love to aspire to and fulfill? And then second, you can look at how can we collaborate in a way that'll support the fulfillment or that outcome of the vision that I aspire to. And then finally it gives us the ability to name what it is we're looking for. Because so often we're not sure what we want, or we may know what we want, but we forget to tell the other person what it is. And they might be totally up for doing it with us, or supporting us to create it, or collaborating with us to create the relationship that we'd love to have. But so oftentimes we just hold it within ourself, thinking they're supposed to mind read and somehow intuit what we want for ourself, or what we want in the relationship, or what we need them to do. And we forget that they actually don't have the mind reading power that's only on TV.
And so the more you communicate it and the more you align with it, the more likely your vision is to occur. And so remember, create the vision for your relationship if it's not clear for you now. Because that is the first step in making sure that your relationship becomes everything that it could be. And that's possible there.