- “There will be situations in life where it’s reasonable to feel angry. But what if we could look at the exact same circumstance and feel grateful that everybody’s okay or have compassion for somebody?”
- Righteousness and anger go hand in hand. In this episode, Joey talks about tactics to manage anger so that you don’t have to wake up and suffer each day.
- “So often people feel like the only way to create a change in a situation is to get angry. But it's not the only way to create attention and to propagate change.”
- If you’re looking for tips on how to manage anger and resentment, this episode is for you.
- Watch the video to get the full training.
[The following is the full transcript of this episode of Joey’s Performance Tune Up With Joey Klein. Please note that this episode, like all episodes, features Joey speaking unscripted and unedited. This video is captured in one take.]
Hey, Joey Klein here. Hope you're having a great day. So we're going to jump in today. We're going to speak a little bit about anger, where the emotion of anger comes from and essentially what we can do to make sure we're managing anger in a way that we perform at a much higher level and we're much more effective.
So often if we look at when we become angry, there's a theme that's present, and most of the time, whatever the mind is focused on inside of the theme called I've been wronged or something wrong has happened in some sense. And so when we have the focus on that we've been wronged and the way in which we've been wronged, the byproduct of that is the mind goes to a place of essentially righteousness. The positioning of why I'm correct and the other person is wrong or why I'm correct and the world disposition is wrong or the political disposition is wrong or whatever the space is that I happen to be focused on at the time.
And it can be something very little right? Like, I've waited too long for my food and therefore I'm angry and I've been wronged, right, because too much time has passed or I didn't get my thing quick enough or the order was wrong. It can be these sort of things that seem like they're irrelevant when we break it down, practically. But if we look at how we respond with anger, it's never proportionate. It's never like, oh, this is a little offense called they put the wrong sauce on my food or they put cheese on my burger and I Said no cheese, or whatever it might be. Those things seem like they should not anger because there's probably not a moral injustice tied to the fact that our order was incorrect, right? They brought us somebody else's order or a mistake happened, okay?
But when we look at the emotional response or reaction to things that are insignificant in that manner, anger is the same as if there's something more significant that occurred, like, somebody stole from you, you come home and your house got broken into. And a lot of people's response to those situations is anger, right? I've been wronged. And I'm not saying that if something egregious happens like your house gets broken into or somebody does a deal with you in bad faith and takes advantage in a way they shouldn't, or somebody does something unkind or hurtful to a family member or something like this that anger is not an appropriate response. Like, it's okay to feel angry and it's okay that anger is an appropriate response to certain life situations that occur.
But in another sense, there's a lot of situations where anger is not necessarily the appropriate response. Like, it doesn't really make sense that we're angry in those circumstances. And the point of the comparison is just to help to demonstrate that it's the way we're viewing a situation, it's our perception of what's happening that has us go to becoming angry, not so much the things that are occurring. And so when we have situations where it's reasonable to feel angry, if we were to take a different stance or position, a person could look at the exact same circumstance and feel grateful that everybody's okay or have compassion for somebody's hardship or something of that nature, right?
And so it's like, what's the difference between somebody who lives with anger and somebody who lives with compassion and acceptance and a sense of forgiveness or gratitude for life is the way they choose to focus on the things that are happening in their life. And so again, what I'm sharing with you is not to say that it's not okay to feel angry. Like, if you're a human being, you're going to feel angry sometimes. But there's a point where it's going to serve us better to be able to let go of the anger that we're feeling when we're ready to commit to that process, when we're ready to make that decision. Because a lot of times we hold anger for people that are no longer in our life.
Like maybe you had a divorce or a separation and for a time you blamed your significant other for the way you're feeling and that your life changed and they betrayed your agreement with each other or your vows and things like this. And so can we expect that it's normal to feel angry for a few days or weeks or maybe months? Sure, we could say that that's a reasonable response to feel angry to a situation like that. But I've trained so many people, especially in my programs and my in person trainings and seminars, where somebody's holding an anger and a rage and they're saying that so and so ruined their life and the divorce or the separation happened two decades ago. And so at some point, maybe that anger is no longer reasonable as it pertains to the event that happened.
Like if you're deciding that the circumstances of your life and the circumstances you're living out today, 20 years after something happens, is somebody else's fault or the fault of a situation, that's less likely than if you're answering to what just occurred the next day or the week after it occurs. The point is, I'm not here to tell you whether you should feel angry or not. That's your decision. That's your choice. Again, it's okay to feel angry. It's important that we acknowledge when we feel angry and we're aware it's there and allow that emotion to be present at times. But at the same point, if you're waking up angry every single day of your life, that's a very challenging life. That's a difficult life for you to live through, for me to live through when I was one day caught there.
And so for me, the reason I want to give you this training or this teaching and some tactics on how to manage this is so that you don't have to wake up and suffer inside of feeling angry day after day if you're ready to move beyond it, if you're ready to change it. And so again, there's nothing wrong with feeling angry. But when we're ready to create a different experience of life, it's possible. And in order to feel angry we have to hold on to the idea that we or someone we care about or the world has been wronged in some way and therefore your view or our perception of reality is right and the correct way.
And that's why righteousness and anger, they just go hand in hand. Somebody is always wrong when we are right and anger is the fuel to that fire, so to speak. And so if we start to pay attention we can be in the space of whatever's happening and choose. And if we're willing to let go of the idea that it's wrong, right? And we can still look at it, at a situation and we can acknowledge, hey, that's not creating the outcome that I want to create, or that's not going to lead to the result that we're looking for, or if this behavior continues, we're not going to be able to move beyond a certain dynamic that's causing pain or suffering. Those things can be acknowledged without getting angry about a situation.
So often people feel like the only way to create a change in a situation is to get angry because that's a tool that they have and that's the way we get paid attention to, that's the way we get noticed. That's the way we create attention on a space so that people do something to make a change. But it's not the only way to create attention and to propagate change. And it tends to be the least effective way to get attention and propagate change. Because if we can engage most situations, whether it's with your significant other and your spouse or your children or a friend or your business colleagues or a competitor or a customer that you're managing on a day to day basis or something that happens in your family, you're much more likely to be able to come to a resolution, create understanding, and produce the outcome that you really want to create for yourself and the people you care about if you can engage that situation with a sense of understanding and a sense of compassion and a sense of acceptance and a sense of feeling calm and at peace because you're going to be able to think much more effectively.
When we feel angry, we immediately go into a defensive posture or we want to fight, right, fight or flight. And if we're fighting or we're running away from somebody with some way, we're not going to be very good at producing the outcomes, results we want. Because that requires the brain's capacity for critical thinking and creative thinking and a bit of intuition. And when we're angry, the fight or flight mechanisms that are active in the brain, those shut off the prefrontal cortex. And the areas of reason in the brain responsible for critical thinking, creative thinking, and intuition, which we have access to when we feel inspired or we feel compassion, or we feel gratitude, or we feel acceptance, or we feel a sense of calm or peace, we're able to think through things differently.
And so whenever anger shows up, just pay attention. Like, how am I focusing on the situation such that I feel like I've been wronged in some way? And again, I'm not saying that that doesn't mean something hasn't occurred that's not ideal or that may be unacceptable. The point is we don't have to face those situations with anger. We can learn some different tactics. We can develop some other tools. And so when we feel angry, instead of lashing out immediately going to I'm wrong and they're correct, a question can be very helpful for making a transition, which is, hey, what is my opinion and perception here? What is the other's opinion and perception here? And that will tend to help the creative thinking process so that we can move toward feeling a sense of acceptance and a sense of compassion, a sense of calm and peace.
And then we're able to move through different situations and create different outcomes. Whether it's something that seems very irrelevant, right? Something mundane like, oh, there's cheese on my burger, and I asked for no cheese, or that took a little bit extra time to get my order than I thought, or somebody accidentally might have backed into you in a parking lot. Right. And it's like I saw these people just lose their mind the other day. I was coming out of breakfast, and somebody just pulled out of their parking spot and didn't see the other person driving by. And very little fender bender happened. Maybe a very small dent in the car, maybe even no damage to the car. And both people got out of the cars just going crazy on each other. It's like we could live every day that way in response to every little thing that happens. Or you can get out of the car and have a different level of understanding. It was an accident. The person didn't see me. I could have paid a little better attention. Hey, everything is okay, people are all right, let's see how we can get the car fixed and move throughout our day.
There's so many options available when we don't become angry. If it's a more extenuating circumstance, right? Something a bit more extreme. If we can go to, hey, what's my perception of this situation? What do I understand here? What's the other person's perception? What is their understanding there? That's going to be a lot more effective at kind of bringing the elements together and aligning it with the next question, which is, what's the outcome I want to create?
And what I find is more often than not, human beings tend to want to produce the same outcome. The way they go about it might be different or the way they think it should occur might be different. But at the end of the day, everybody wants to know love and peace and joy in their life. And when it comes to the realities of the outcomes we want to create, generally they are more aligned than they are disaligned. And if we can stop and ask the question, hey, what is my understanding here? What's my perception? Why am I coming from this place? And then ask the same question in regard to the other person. What's their understanding? What's their perception? Why are they coming from where they're coming from? This creates an understanding. Understanding tends to lead to compassion. That tends to lead to a form of acceptance. And that leads to a sense of love in a universal sense, right?
We don't always have to agree with each other or a situation to have a sense of love and compassion for our fellow human being, for our fellow man or woman, so to speak. And when we can come to situations with that energy, we're much more likely to produce the result that we really want for ourself. We're definitely going to have a better day if we can wake up to that sense of love, acceptance, understanding and compassion. I'd much rather live that day than pissed off all day, right? And I'm much more likely to have the impact and sort of create the influence in the lives of the people that I love and that I care about and people I don't even know if I'm coming from that place than if I'm upset and reacting or lashing out in that way.
And so again, okay to feel angry. But when you're ready to shift or change that, working to come from a place of understanding and practicing that is going to make you much more effective at creating an inner experience of life that you want to have and also producing the results of life that you and others aspire to. And so remember those questions, what do I understand about this situation? What's my perception? And why is that my perception? Why am I seeing things this way? Where am I coming from? And then ask the questions about the situation or the space that you're responding to anger with. Hey, what's their perception? What's their understanding? What's their why? Why are they coming from that place? Where are they coming from? And then what's the outcome that I want to produce?
Because what I find is it's more important for me to produce the outcomes and the results and the vision for the life I want to live than being right and correct. If I need to be incorrect at times to live the vision for life that's possible for me, I'm okay doing that. Matter of fact, a lot of times the answers we seek are just on the other side of anger. If we're willing to let go of that anger which is us reacting to something which is keeping us from seeing that which is available to us, we're usually able to gain understanding, gain an education, gain access to a new perception which tends to lead to new actions, new behaviors and new outcomes and results.
And again, not always easy to do, but with a little bit of training, a little bit of practice, we can get so very good at training, compassion, acceptance, understanding, which relates to a sense of peace and calm. As opposed to having that hair trigger to anger, which is, at the end of the day, going to have us want to fight and create conflict and agitation, which then again, usually costs us the outcome and the result that we really want for ourself and the experience of life that we could be living for ourself. And so pay attention. Whatever anger is there, usually it's the positioning of I'm right which means somebody else is wrong or I am right and therefore I have been wronged or somebody I care about has been wronged. And if we can take a moment of pause, maybe take a few deep breaths and then go, hey, create and seek for understanding there.
Even if you can't always agree on your perceptions or your understanding of the situation you don't need to usually to produce an outcome or result. What we need to do to produce the outcomes and results that we aspire to in our life and to have a sense of inner well being for ourselves, that we answer to compassion and acceptance and a sense of peace as who we are has more to do with finding our common ground and how can we move toward the things we want to create at the end of the day.
And so do your best to train. Again, it can become just as much of a reflex to immediately go to a place of understanding and compassion as maybe it is to go to a place of anger. It just takes a little bit of practice, a little bit of training and you'll be able to get there before you know it.