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Full Transcript:
[The following is the full transcript of this episode of Joey’s Performance Tune Up With Joey Klein. Please note that this episode, like all episodes, features Joey speaking unscripted and unedited. This video is captured in one take.]
Do you essentially often feel like you're not enough in your relationship? So many people, they don't feel like they're enough inside their relationship. And the reason for this is often twofold, right?
Part of it is, you know, you've just heard that time and time again, and you took it on as a belief within the mind. And it didn't start in your relationship. You had the idea that you weren't enough planted in your psyche, planted in your mind way before you were in that relationship.
You had a parent tell you weren't enough or send you the message that you weren't enough. In some way, perhaps a mentor in your life you might think about, you know, sent you the message that you weren't enough. You might have started, you know, feeling like you weren't performing at the level you wanted to.
And so you kept telling yourself you weren't enough or there was an expectation you wanted growing up or in your life at some point, and that expectation wasn't happening. And so you started saying to yourself and took on the identity and the frame that you're not enough.
And the reality is that you are absolutely enough. Every human being is enough by way of they exist. There's no human being on the planet that isn't enough as who they are. And so the work to do or how you bridge the gap from feeling like you're not enough to understanding that you're worthy and that you are deserving of all of the things in which you may want is to start accepting that you're enough.
Because if you think about any other human being on the planet, think about a stranger, and I bet you would say, they're enough. If I asked you if "so and so" was enough, you would go, oh, absolutely, they're enough, right? If you. If I asked you if your friend was enough, or if you're, you know, your sister or your brother or, you know, your acquaintances or your colleagues were enough, you'd go, of course they're enough.
Of course they deserve, you know, love and kindness and, you know, all the best things in the world and all the best things the world has to offer. And so the reason that you oftentimes don't feel like you're enough is because the imprinting of that thought and that belief got entrenched in your mind.
And the good news is you can change how you focus the mind. You can start to just accept, like, hey, I'm a human being, therefore. Therefore, I'm enough. So you're either playing the tape in your own mind that you're not enough and then therefore buying into it, and then it's exacerbating that sense of unworthiness and essentially the way you feel.
The other reason a lot of times people feel like they're not enough in a relationship is because they're in a relationship where their significant other or their partner is consistently critical of them, whether they realize it or not. And so, you know, you want to start paying attention in your relationship.
You know, you know, are you receiving? Not do you think you're receiving? But can you actually, like, write down when it happens, a critical thing that your partner or person you're in relationship with is saying to you?
Are they consistently highlighting or identifying your shortcomings and your faults? Because if that's happening, that's easy to take on and start to extrapolate that as I'm not enough. So, you know, be careful here, though, because a lot of times that's not occurring.
We assume that the person we're with is critical of us and doesn't love us and doesn't respect us. And, you know, we can create a whole lot of ideas about where somebody is when we feel a certain way when they're not actually critical of us. Matter of fact, I've worked with so many couples where the one person believed that the other individual was critical of them and was putting them down.
And when I would ask them for specific examples, like, please share with me the words they're saying when they're critical of you, when they're putting you down, when they're diminishing you. And they couldn't come up with the words, they couldn't come up with examples. And so I said, great, spend the next week or two, and I just want you to pay attention to the next time they're critical of you or they put you down or they diminish you, and, and I want you to just take a moment, keep a little notepad, and write down word for word, what they say to you and how you feel in response to their communication.
So I can give you some tools and strategies to manage the situation differently. And then after a few weeks go by, they are like, well, they didn't really say anything to me. What I realized was I was telling myself I wasn't enough and that I didn't deserve, you know, what they, you know, who they were being with me or for me.
And matter of fact, I'm realizing they're saying nice things to me and kind things to me a lot of times, but I haven't heard it before because the I'm not enough frame has been so loud that I haven't actually been able to hear and accept the things they actually do say to me.
And now I'm realizing that they're actually affirming me more than I thought they did. Right. And that's not to say that you're not with somebody. Sometimes we are with somebody who is critical of us, who is critical of you on a regular basis, who is putting you down, who is condemning you. And so if you're in a situation like that, you know, take note of what they're saying.
And then there's two steps. Number one is don't take it personal. And I understand how hard that is, especially when it's somebody that you love and you care about deeply. But understand that their criticism of you has nothing to do with you. It has to do with their own fear, their own insecurity, their own anxiety, their own frustration.
Like, whatever is happening for them, that's where that criticism is coming from. They lack skills. And so what you want to do is take a moment and just even acknowledge to yourself, ah, this doesn't have to do with me. Just because they're being critical of me, Just because they're condemning me, you know, doesn't mean that that's a reality of who I am. Right.
And so just sort of acknowledge to yourself, hey, they're frustrated right now. They're upset right now. They're annoyed right now. That's not because of me. Even though it's directed at me, it's not because of me. And in your mind, to yourself, just affirm, like, hey, I'm okay.
Like, I'm enough here. Right? That's. Step one is, I'm okay. I'm enough. And then step two is feed back to them what they shared with you. Hey, when you share with me that, you know, you know, when you ask me if I'm incapable of doing XYZ and you speak to me in a condescending manner, or when you're passive aggressive in these ways and give some examples, I just want you to know, here's the way in which the impact it has on me, here's the way in which I feel, and I don't want to feel that way toward you, you know, I want you to know that I really love you, I really care about you, and it would be really helpful if, you know, we could manage situations like this differently, moving forward and just communicate the thing that happened and then do your best to affirm the way in which you want to feel for them, for yourself and in the relationship.
And what I find is so often the people that we love and we care about are oftentimes, you know, showing up in a way that's less than desirable, sometimes critical, sometimes condemning, sometimes in a passive aggressive manner because they don't realize that they're doing it. It's just a habit. It's a bad habit that they've gotten entrenched in that they develop from somewhere else. Right.
And they don't really understand the impact they're having on you and they don't want to have that impact. And so if you don't blame them for the impact, but you just acknowledge what happens, hey, when you call me names and you say XYZ to me, just want you to know that, like, I feel, I do feel sad when that occurs.
Like, that's the feeling that I have. And I want you to know that I love you, I care about you, and I want us to have a really great relationship. And perhaps we could find another way to manage this situation or take care of this dynamic and just see where that starts to lead again.
The first time you do it, it's not going to be like rainbows and butterflies and your relationship transforms. The very first time you maybe hold that space or communication like this, you know, the other person is probably going to respond in a negative way or not make any change at all. But if you do it consistently, it'll start to create a little pattern interrupt where you start to create an opening for a different dynamic to occur in the relationship.
But just remember this, no matter how your significant other is showing up, you don't have to take on their agitation, their disappointment. Does not mean that you are doing something wrong or bad. It doesn't mean that you're not enough.
It just means they've gotten caught in a way of being that isn't optimal for them and for the relationship and creating that which you deserve to have and they deserve to have and that which you aspire to. And so when that message is coming up, when you start feeling like you're not enough, remember those key things, like in the moment, just go, hey, I'm enough. I'm okay.
Right? I'm enough. I'm okay. And then number two, their anger, like their, their frustration, their annoyance, them not showing up for what I would like doesn't have anything to do with me that isn't a result of me not being enough. And then think about, hey, who do I want to be with myself first and foremost and how can I show up in the relationship or what would occur to me to do if I was in a space of feeling worthy and feeling confident and feeling a sense of love for this person?
Who would I be right now and start to create the architect, be the architect of the mind and create the psyche and the ideology of who you would be in align with and how you would take action if you were feeling worthy and you did feel like enough and you were coming from a space of love or compassion or joy in the relationship, even if the circumstance doesn't necessarily call for or hold space for those those types of feelings easily.
And this will be a first step that you can take to really defining who you want to be regardless of how the other people in your life are showing up. And you'll begin to start to cultivate extraordinary strength within yourself if you start to make these pivots.