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Full Transcript:
[The following is the full transcript of this episode of Joey’s Performance Tune Up With Joey Klein. Please note that this episode, like all episodes, features Joey speaking unscripted and unedited. This video is captured in one take.]
We're going to take this session and talk about romantic relationship and how to set yourself up so that your relationship thrives, whether you are not in one and you're hoping that happens soon or you're in a new one, or maybe you've been in a relationship for a decade and you're like, how'd I end up here? I'd really like this to be different and better regardless of what your current state looks like. And it's so important that we have an orientation of where we want to go as opposed to where we are and where we've been. And so one of the most important things we can do to create relationships that thrive is we have to have an orientation to where we're going, not where we are and where we've been. And if you really pay attention and you look around and you watch people around you, two things. Number one, most people are not in vibrant relationships, period. Like, their friendships are not alive and thriving. Their romantic relationships, their marriages are not thriving. Most people's relationship with their children is not alive and thriving. Although it doesn't have to be that way. Like, you 100% could have almost every relationship in your life alive and thriving. And it really does begin with changing the game.
If we look at what's happening, our current state of relationship, we tend to pick it apart. We tend to see all the things that are wrong, the things we don't like, the things that we want to see change. And then we call that a vision for relationship. But that's not really relationship, right? That's not a vision for relationship. That's all the challenges that we see. And when we look at the things that have happened or the past, then it becomes how we got here, or all the resentments that we hold, the negatives that we kind of hold on to and don't let go of sometimes that then don't give us permission to create the relationship that's possible. Or it's like the good times have already passed. Like, remember when we used to be in so much love and remember when we used to be so happy and now we're in this and how do we get out of what do we do about it?
And so we've got to create a new context. We got to change the orientation and the way we do that, and I know this sounds a little funny, but imagine you weren't with the person that you're with. If you're in a relationship right now, just take a minute and imagine that you're not with them necessarily. If you're not in a relationship, then this is perfect, right? Because you're not with anybody. But don't look at your past relationships to inform the relationship that you want, because then you're really going to end up naming what you don't want accidentally by way of kind of naming what you didn't like in the past, and assuming you want something different than that. And so instead of that, ask yourself, man, if I could design the relationship that I want to be in, what would it look like? What would that relationship be? And when it comes to relationship, I really do find that kind of three components are really helpful.
The first is like, well, who am I with? Who are they in the world? Are they ambitious? Are they into health? Are they into art? Like, who are they? Who are you with? Right? Different people are attracted to different things, right? What does their physique look like? Really imagine the who if that's not who you're currently with, that's okay. Imagine who you aspire to be with. And then number two, how do you feel with that person? Do you feel love with them? Do you feel joy with them? Do you feel alive? Do you feel inspired? Do you feel compassionate? Do you feel vulnerable? Do you feel safe? Like, what do you feel when you're with this person? What's the experience that you are inside of with yourself when you're with them? And then finally, what are you guys doing together? How are you living life together? Are you up to activities? Are you doing adventures? Are you traveling together? Are you gardening together? Are you doing art together? Are you traveling? Are you going to theater? Like, what are the things that you're up to in life with this other person?
Because I find if you break down those components, like, who am I with? Who is this person at their core? And then you look at, well, what is my experience of being with them? And then you look at, well, what am I doing? Now you have a target to hit. Now you have something you can move toward, you can aspire to, and you start relating to what you want to create, you tend to create it. Again, when you start to relate to what you want to create as your future reality, you tend to create it, which is different than relating to what's happening now and what has already occurred. What do I want to create? Where is it that I want to go? And then, how do we start moving in that direction? And then the next step is so very important. It's not trying to get the other person to do anything. You don't want to convince them of anything. You're not there to transform them. Don't sign them up for the next personal development program because they need it. Sign yourself up. I'm going to say that again. Don't sign them up. Don't make your first mission changing your significant other, making your partner change. Rather, change yourself first.
And so what are the things you could do to bring those emotions you want to feel into the relationship right now, regardless of what the other person's doing? What could you do to bring love there? What could you do to bring connection there? Or vulnerability or a sense of safety or confidence or joy, like bring that to the relationship right now, don't wait another day and let's start moving in that direction. And then I promise, the other person has to start responding to you differently, especially if you've been bringing resentment or hostility or anger or sadness or resentments to the relationship. And so change who you are being because the person that you aspire to be with, you need to become the person they would be attracted to. I'm going to say that again. If you aspire to be with a certain person or a vision of relationship that you want to have in your life and you don't have that right now, believe it or not, you're not the person right now that that person would be attracted to.
And so the key is become that person that would attract to them the vision for relationship that you aspire to. And I'll tell you the ratio. I've had over 80,000 people go through my programs and trainings. I've trained thousands of couples over the last 21 years. And I'll tell you, the ratio is 90/10. 90% of the time, if you show up in your current relationship and just become the version of yourself that attracts the vision of the relationship that you aspire to have in your life, you're going to have it with the person that you're with right now. Like, that relationship will evolve into the relationship that you aspire to have. And 10% of the time you'll still have that relationship and it'll be with somebody else. And your current relationship will need to evolve or transition in order for you to have that relationship. But it all starts with you giving yourself permission to create the vision of relationship that you aspire to have. And start with those three components.
Number one, who do I want to be with? Number two, what's the experience that I want to have within myself as I'm in this relationship? And what are the things that we're doing? And then it's a matter of marrying the tactics to that vision, to that aspiration that you have for a relationship and understanding man, now it's time for me to develop some relationship skills, whether those are communication skills or different skills around managing emotion and accessing those higher expressions of emotion that you want to feel and have. That's a skill set to be able to bring love to a relationship, connection, compassion, gratitude to a relationship. Those need to be practiced. Those need to be developed with the right action plan.
And so what am I doing day by day, week by week, as I'm interacting with the person to create a relationship and support the relationship to thrive? And if you're in a relationship that you want to see, look, better be honest with yourself, be authentic. Hey, what am I doing on a daily basis or a weekly basis with repetition that's breaking the relationship down, and let's disengage those behavior dynamics and replace them with some behavior dynamics and some patterns and ways of being that are going to support and nurture the relationship to thrive. And give yourself permission to essentially believe that the relationship that you want to have is 100% possible and available to you. It begins with you naming the vision and what that vision looks like and giving yourself permission to commit to it. And perhaps this is the year that you have just that, you create that relationship for yourself. So enjoy. You are the creator. Create something awesome.